Physical Changes (subtitled: reality /vs/ “I WISH!”)

This post is mostly for fun.  No offense meant… mostly. 😛

We have never understood why people tend to ask things like, “When you switch, does your shoe size change?”  or “Does the color of your hair change?”  Ooo, ooo!  BEST EVAR: “Holland is African American.  Does your skin tone change when she comes out?!”  (To which I, with the monotone voice, suddenly enthusiastically say, “OH TOTALLY!”)  I guess, because we have been multiple since toddler-hood, we just don’t get how people can ask such questions.  No offense, but COME ON PEOPLE!  😛  One body-many minds.  ONE BODY-MANY MINDS.  ONE BOD… you get it now, I figure. 😉  Many people with D.I.D. never tell anyone, and many have no idea they have it.  So I figure there are many more of us than psychiatry acknowledges.  This means, if these things happened, people would be walking down the street and suddenly their shoes are too big or their raven hair goes blond.  They would get taller, shorter, heavier, thinner, darker, lighter, way older, way younger, different species altogether  … and you would wonder who slipped what into your caramel latte. (Acid is a weird drug, ain’t it?)

There are certainly things that do change, but not solid physical things.  We might walk differently, have an accent, deeper voice, different mannerisms and ways of saying things, there are talents some here possess I’d love to have but don’t, but our physical body doesn’t change.  (I mean, if it did, the skinniest one of us all would be made to front with me all the time!  lol)  And as for penmanship, it’s slightly different, but same hands, yanno, so it’s not drastic really.  While the voice may change a bit, the only person here who sounds NOTHING like myself is Farren.  The first time I heard her on a recording, I almost wet myself.  We all share a voice box, so getting an accurate portrayal of our voices out here is hard.

We often wish certain things could change, but we switch so rapidly there would be civilians dropping left and right from heart attacks.

our handwriting

Some of Our Penmanship




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Where to begin?

It has been over a year since we posted anything here and we doubt anyone actually still follows us.  Many things have changed in our life out here and lives inside.  The main one being we were “transferred” to a new therapist who has no experience in D.I.D.  Our previous therapist, who is a specialist, decided to focus on forensics as opposed to seeing clients in a therapeutic setting.  We were with her for over three years and in that time learned to trust her completely.  We never thought we would trust anyone.  We’re not entirely certain why she chose the current therapist, who is a doll but it feels like we are teaching her about multiplicity which is not so helpful, aside from the fact that she does specialize in autism spectrum disorders and it was always believed we fall into that category as well.  We do, as it happens, deal with Asperger’s Syndrome.  So she can be helpful there.

Our previous therapist, “E”, and we are still in contact.  We have finally come to peace with her decision.  We took it very personally for a long time.  Now we understand it from a few different angles.  One, she needed a career transition so she could have a life.  She’s a mother of three, a wife, and has spent her life in the military then in school then working.  We are very happy for her that she can now be a mother and wife and a PERSON.  Secondly, her job was done with us.  Especially with me, Mikaela.  She raised me from being mentally a child to a grown woman.  In our last months of therapy together I healed and discovered and learned to embrace my sexuality and sensuality, which was a huge milestone.  Where was she to go from there?  I exceeded her expectations.  *toots own horn*  So, the obvious thing to do is to hand me over to a psychologist who can help in other areas of my life.  She’s not multiplicity-shy, which is good.  She is eager to learn.  We’ll call her “J”.  She even asked for our recommendations on books last time we were there.  We go back today and are going to take one to her that we think is helpful for anyone with D.I.D. or who knows someone or is working with someone who has D.I.D.  This book is The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook.  (As an aside, someone handed her “The Courage to Heal” and we were like, “Nooooo. NO NO NO NO NO NO noooooo.”  lol)  J has been very helpful with the AS aspect of my life (and our lives as a system) in validating that we cannot help it; it’s how our brain works.

I don’t know if it had already ended last I wrote or not, but my girlfriend and I broke up and I have since been with a man *GASP* from my past who is just an amazing guy and accepts all of us and every last person here is comfortable with him around.

We still have new people in the system (or, old ones who have been sleeping) making themselves known.  There are over 50 of us now, which is like a continuous shopping center in my head.  Fun times.

What I would like to do with this blog, as I intend to use it more, is inform.  So please, if you have questions (within reason) about D.I.D., feel free to ask and I will make posts about those things.  Suggest topics.  Whatever!  Just be respectful, please.


Singular Insanity


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Still Alive

We haven’t been making posts here, but if anyone even checks on this blog, we wanted them to know we’re still breathing.

We’ve been dealing with a LOT, and we don’t have anything helpful or wise to add right now.  And this is the main reason we keep a public blog about our D.I.D.

So I guess we’re on a hiatus for now.


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Who Dunnit?

I have to be quick because we need to get ready for therapy soon (are we the only ones who worry about showing up to therapy without make up on, and having our therapist think this must mean something is horribly wrong?  Yes?  Ok.  :P)  and I’m having a random panic attack, which means this may be more disjointed than usual.

That said…

I’ve often seen people try to blame system members for wrong doings.  And sometimes things that are done against people, places, things, businesses, etc. are done by a system member, but everyone must take responsibility.  Even the main fronter(s).  Sucks, I know.  But do you think that if you get arrested for spray painting a building the police will let you go when you say, “It wasn’t me, it was one of my other personalities!”?  It’s kind of like in elementary school when someone stole candy from the teacher’s desk and nobody would own up to it.  Except, if someone in your system does own up to doing things, it still affects the well-being of the body and main fronter(s).  Ergo, try to make it a priority that your entire system understand that a consequence of one persons behavior will affect every last one of you.  Period.  For us, we have a contract of rules we each have signed.  I may have mentioned this here before.  One of the top rules on the contract is that we don’t harm anyone or anything because we will ALL have to suffer for it.  If someone breaks this very important rule and are caught by an authority, everyone truly does suffer.  However, inside, that person who caused the issue to begin with has consequences.  If they plan on fronting again any time soon, they need not break this rule.  Breaking it means they lose fronting time for whatever period of time seems necessary.  “Do the crime, do the time”.

This is also an important step toward gaining total co-operation.  People will try to bend these rules and test them at first, but it doesn’t take long for them to get the jest.  😉

Work Together

Work Together

Image is by Sofifi-x @ Deviant Art.


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Filed under about, D.I.D., how to, the blame game, Uncategorized


Today we were switching rapidly, often not knowing who we each were.  Aside from a memory coming back to Mikaela, we don’t know what else may have triggered this.  However, this resulted in something rarely seen around here: 100% co-operation.

It was a simple thing, really.  Mikaela had worked her ass off on four small paintings for our pitiful excuse of a kitchen, and done them all in a weekend.  (They look A-mazing, I might add!) We needed to hang them but most of us are horrible with math.  It’s odd, because most of us also have very high I.Q.’s, but ask us to add more than two numbers together and we have to use our fingers.  However, a few of us are good with math, while some others of us are very detail-oriented and have a good  visual sense of balance and yin and yang.  So we had to measure all kinds of ways to figure out where to hang these paintings.  And for the first time EVER… we all helped and not one person became frustrated or angry with anyone else!

Some of us have a difficult time with the concept of 100% co-operation 24/7.  It scares them.  They believe that goal is a way to trick them into integration which, to them, means death.  Those of us who do not see things this way are hoping that today’s experience will help them to better understand the concept.  Nobody even began to merge.  We just worked together like a well-oiled machine.

The Machine

The Machine

Artwork is by mheckerling @ DA.

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Is There an Age?

We are struggling with a concept, right now.  As a kid, we were violated by another kid our age.  She knew damn well what she was doing and that it was wrong.  She was certainly not an innocent, kind, well behaved kind of kid.  A specific memory of something she did came back to me tonight, out of the blue, and it is really disturbing to me.

The concept we’re having trouble with, though, is this:   If a kid forces another kid to do sexual things that other kid doesn’t want to do, is it considered abuse?

Cassie is asking me if a kid kills someone, is it not murder.  And it is.  It’s an adult crime and a disturbing behavior acted out, usually by adults.  But if that person is five or ninety-one it is still murder.  But is there an age at which things are considered sexual abuse, or not?  I have no idea and my therapist is on vacation so I have to sit with this for a couple weeks.

What I Am

Which I is I?

Source unknown.


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Filed under abuse, definitions, memories, questions, sexual abuse, trauma

A Flood of People

At times, we have witnessed people accusing multiples of “faking it” when they appear to have a sudden rush of “new” people show up in their system. And perhaps this is the case sometimes. But for us this is how it tends to work. It is a very calculated occurrence on my part. When several people are allowed to make themselves known to Mikaela at a time, usually over a couple of weeks, she has just become comfortable with the former group of people she has got to know. I never want her to be 100% comfortable while there are still people she has not met, because she will (and has) believe that “this” is all. Then, when someone else makes themselves known to her, it creates a lot of chaos for her. Where there is chaos for her, there is chaos for all of us. I learned this the hard way a few years ago.

Often times those she does not know have been “asleep”, as we call it. It’s more accurate to say that they have been hibernating. I wake them when it is time, provided they have not woken on their own accord. When they wake on their own accord, that is a whole other can of worms. I must keep them from her which is very taxing. And sometimes I fail and she sees them. At this point I must alter her memory of the event so she will not remember (that was redundant, genius). However once in a while she will see someone and I, for some reason, cannot alter her memory of it. This is the case with someone here at the moment, named Karen. Mikaela said she can handle this if Karen is not a massive safety threat, not going to treat her as Illiana does, is not very manipulative, and is basically manageable though not as wonderful as Haven. I shook my head. Karen is all of those things and then some, but not in an obvious way. She is difficult to explain. In a word, she is weird. Not the kind of weird like that kid in school who had pet snakes and ate string cheese at lunch and collected 90210 posters was, but weird in a very difficult and possibly sociopathic way. I do not believe she would carry those things to the front and actually do harmful things to other people, if she even were to front at all because as far as I can tell she wants nothing to do with this world. But I do believe she would harm those in-system in the blink of an eye, and if Mikaela is not ready to deal with that, we cannot let that happen. She’s not ready. Karen is Cassie, Illiana, Corin, Anna, Pagan, Doña and like Glenn Close’s character from “Fatal Attraction” all rolled into one very disturbed person. She is narcissistic, histrionic, borderline, racist and insanely intelligent. In short, she’s very dangerous if not handled properly.

I cannot let her loose right now. For now, I need Haven to be here for Mikaela. Perhaps once things are more stabilised here, then I can slowly let my hold on her loose a bit.

Well, this started as one thing and turned into me vomiting up my frustration. Sorry for that. I suppose I meant to say that, before accusing someone of “faking it” for this reason alone, consider that there may be a reason for a sudden influx of people into a system and it may be a very calculated and intentional mechanism.

However, some people truly are just faking it. ;-P

A Flood of People

A Flood of People

Artwork by H.R. Giger


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Filed under about, D.I.D., stigmas, Uncategorized